Snakes

Starting to realise this isn't going to be as easy as I thought. The euphoria of being clean is fading and the snakes have returned. The snakes in my gut are slithering, coiled tight and turning, eating me from the inside. The snakes in my gut are a manifestation of nerves and anxiety and worry. Killing the snakes drove me through alcoholic blackout and drug induced oblivion to bitter sweet heroin. And heroin killed the snake like nothing else. Drowned the fuckers dead. The snakes are the cost of doing business, the snakes are the cost of spending twenty years in an emotional black box. Fuck the snakes, the worm slithered cunts. Live inside of me and die, motherfuckers. I am stronger than you base animal, I am strong. Chill out, embrace the pain and grow.
I haven't been warm since detox and I'm still waiting for a solid shit. I'm sleeping five or six hours a night, with no dreams at all. Why no dreams? Am I not sleeping enough? Are the meds suppressing my subconscious? I'm on an anti depressant sleeper and an anti psychotic. But I liked being a little bit psychotic. You can't beat the soaring up of madness. Reality is between your ears my friends. I believe in balance in life, in all things, a universal balance. If you want to soar high you need to accept the deep down.
It's a dangerous game but I was hoping for a little bipolar up cycle psychotic confidence to see me through the first few months clean time. It's dangerous because you pay for the up with a down and the down could easy come first. I never had any control over the cycle, why would I now?

Is my state of mind within my control or do I take these meds and flatline emotionally? Is that not what I took smack for, to flatline my life?

When I look back on my life before heroin the falling in love always happened on an up cycle when I was exuding super confidence. By the time the depression came the poor lass was in love and had to deal. 

The sort of woman that interest me don't like flatlines. I'm a vain shallow cunt when it comes to woman, she has to be beautiful and beauty costs.

I will live drug free and that includes prescribed medication that dicks with my psyche. If I can I will. Take each moment as it comes, the moments will become hours, and the hours days.
Chill out, embrace the pain and grow. If I can't do that, then just fucking hold on till I can.