Almost A Social Life

Holiday tomorrow. I'm forty.
Justification for a Friday off.
I travel south to spend my birthday with my family. My Mammy is cooking mince and tatties and apple crumble.
Truly the finest apple crumble in the world. Out for a meal on Saturday night and heading back up north on Sunday.
Can you call hanging out with your parents at forty a social life? It's my birthday, where else would I be?

For many years I have had in my head that I would be clean for forty.
I have failed. But I will succeed. Eventually.
I have to as I can't keep writing "Procrastination" posts although admittedly, I have no progress to report.
Mad busy at work today and realised I hadn't made a doctors appointment at the back of five.
Excuses, excuses.
Tomorrow is the perfect opportunity to make my appointment.
How hard is it to make a phone call?

More Procrastination

Today my employer gave me my private health insurance form.
He mentioned that it was not compulsary. I admitted to being in two minds and he told a story about his health that should have made me keen go private.
For reasons I hope he knows nothing of, his story did not resolve my indecision.

I can play the socialist and refuse private health care, hopefully avoiding the medical.
A future medical may be compulsary and part of my employment conditions. I don't know.

I should deal with the facts as I know them and ignore the what if's.

Fact.
Avoiding the medical is a relief and I feel as if I've won a watch.
I'm kidding myself here as no impending medical dissolves the impetuous needed to do Detox 5.
I need to get clean. Full stop.
Sometimes I think that I'm pinning my future hopes on the magic "get clean" bullet.
If I was clean all would be well.
The truth is that getting clean is the first step on a long and winding road.
A road full of uncomfortable growing up type emotional obstacles.

That was a long fact.

Procrastination

So what did I do today to accelerate my plan?
Nothing. I went to work and allowed myself to become absorbed in my daily tasks.
I did as I do every day. I like that my work concentrates my mind and focuses my attention.
I like that I forget about my addiction.

But I need to act. Action is required.

The whole work issue is part of of what has brought my addiction issues to a head.
I've worked as a contractor all my life and have, to a lesser or greater degree been able to hide my habit.
In January I started a new job, a salaried position with greater responsibility and lots of perks.
One of which is private health care which requires a medical. A medical I believe I will fail.
If my new employer finds out about my addiction it could be the end of my career.

I have a Detox 5 referral form. Now I need to see a doctor.

The Plan

If I'm going to get clean I must have a plan.
So what's the plan?

Detox 5 is the plan.

They medicate you into a coma for three days and flush your system of opiates.
Three days gets you through the worst of the physical symptoms of heroin withdrawal.

This unfortunately, is the easy part. Any fool can get clean. The rest of your life is a long time to stay clean.

To this end Detox 5 gives you an opiate blocker which your health professional agrees to prescribe for a recommended twelve months.

Heroin is an analgesic. A pain killer. Physical and emotional. Heroin stops you feeling. No more tears and no more laughter.

When you stop taking heroin all those suppressed emotions explode uncontrollably.
You burst into tears watching the news.

I'm hoping Detox 5 will stop this happening.
As I was in a coma I won't remember the trauma of the withdrawal so perhaps I'll just come round feeling OK?
Unlikely but we'll find out soon.

I sent an email today asking for the Detox 5 referral form.

A Little History

When I say "got clean" that is positive thinking.
I am not clean. I am a heroin addict and using every day.
With that out of the way I shall set the scene.

Like most I get up and go to work.
Like most I pay my taxes and bills on time.
Like most I have a loving family.
Appraised of the facts, a cursory glance at my life would show what is sometimes called a "high functioning addict".
Unlike most I'm single.
Unlike most I can't travel.
Unlike most I have no social life.

The people I work with must suspect something is amiss as you can't hide a gram a day habit. You can try.
I live in fear of the whole deceit collapsing around me.
I live in fear of my parents knowing the truth about their professionally successful son.

I'm forty in a few days and it's time to get clean.

Post Number One

So why am I here?

This blog is a vehicle. A sounding board. A means by which I shall out pour the coming storm.

For there is a storm coming.

I am a heroin addict and this is the story of how I got clean.